Merry Johohoker
by HowlynMad
Summary: One shot/complete. The Joker wants to give his best enemy a Christmas present. A stand alone from a series I'm doing called Family Obligations, some references to that story, Joker-centric/based on DK characterizations. RIP Heath.


A one shot from my Family Obligations series of stories on Batman/Joker as brothers. There are a few references to the rest of the story but nothing that would detract from this as a stand alone.

Merry Jo-ho-ho-ker

"Well this is awk..wward. I don't usually get tripped up by security systems. I should have known you'd have something extra."

"I thought it in my best interest, all things considered." Bruce inched his way forward, "What are you doing here?"

The Joker looked uncomfortable. He motioned towards the ornate Christmas tree that stood in the corner of the room. "I brought you a present."

"Excuse me?"

"A present." The Joker rolled his eyes, "As in Christmas, you're not a scrooge are you?"

Bruce just stood there. "You want me to believe that you broke in here to leave me a Christmas present?"

Joker nodded and brought his arms up wide. "Yeahhhh."

Bruce looked over to the tree. There was a purple and green wrapped present beneath it. This was not happening. "You want to kill me on Christmas? That's low even for you."

"What?" Joker asked confused. "Oh no, no, no. I'm not trying to kill you, just give you a present," he smiled at his accomplishment. "TA DAAA."

Bruce crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm going to kick your ass."

Joker raised his hands. "Seriously Bats. No killing involved. Look." Joker sidled over to the tree keeping one eye on Bruce. He gingerly picked up the box and held it out to his brother.

"Go ahead and o..pen it," he motioned to Bruce. "I made it myself."

Bruce scowled, "It's ticking."

"Yeah," Joker giggled. "Don't worr..y about that, just give a tug on the bow."

Bruce looked from his brother to the box and back, "How stupid do you think I am?"

"Geez, it's not a bomb. I mean I'd be blowing myself up too if I did that, now wouldn't I."

"Not helping to convince me Jack."

"You are a scrooge. I should have known. Ok.. ok.. I promise it's nothing fatal." Jack shook the box lightly. "See, um harmless."

"Now I know you're lying. Nothing having to do with you is harmless."

"Will you get.. a.. grip? Do you really think.. I would kill the Batman in such a plebian manner? I have more respect for you than that Bats, come on give me some credit. I promise when you die it will be in a befitting manner. Ok, feel better now?"

"Not especially." As crazy as it might sound he believed Jack when he said he wouldn't just kill him in any old way. The Joker's gift was probably safe.. enough, he supposed.

Joker held out the box again. "Go ahead and take it."

Jack looked particularly pleased with himself. That just couldn't be good, Bruce thought. He took a cautious step forward.

"And don't even think about trying to make a grab for me. I'm armed to the teeth," the Joker smirked. "You're not wwear..ing body armor. Tends to even the playing field."

"You know I'd really like to learn that mind reading trick of yours. It would come in handy."

"It cerrtainly does," Joker drawled.

He tentatively reached out and took the box from his brother. "What is it?"

"Do you understand the concept of Christmas at all?" Joker questioned.

"Do you? I'm concerned about what your idea of Christmas cheer might entail. It's not a severed head is it?"

"Did you have someone in mind?" Joker grinned evilly.

"No!"

"Just o..pen the damn box. I'm starting to think you're stalling. You didn't alerrt the police now did you? This could go from pleasant.. to ugly in a heartbeat."

"All right, all right. Just relax, I didn't alert anyone. It's just you and me." Bruce turned the small box over in his hands. He swallowed hard. Jack's grin had returned. "Ok, fine, I'm opening."

He began unwrapping his present.

The box exploded outward with a loud pop. Confetti and colorful bits of string sprayed the air. Bruce sucked in air in a gasp. He should have known better, hell he did know better.

Joker was bent over whooping in laughter. "HA, HA, HA! That was priceless."

"Get out!"

"Oh come on now. Don't be that way. I told you it wasn't a bomb and it wasn't. It's Christmas, it's ok to smillle you know. Man, you are a tightass."

"Thinking I was about to be blown to hell isn't particularly funny to me."

"Interrresting that you assume you'd go to hell."

Bruce scowled. He'd walked into that one.

"Aren't you going to finish opening your gift?" Joker attempted a innocent expression.

"I think I've had enough surprises for the night thanks. So if you're done having fun..." Bruce glanced down and noticed that there was something in the bottom of the box. A small worn leather book. It looked like an old scrapbook or photo album. It was ragged and torn. Someone had glued pictures and newspaper articles to the cover. They were yellowed and crumbling. "What is this?"

"Open it and see."

He knew he'd probably regret it but curiosity got the better of him. He plucked the book from the box and turned it over in his hands. It looked like something a child decorated.. or maybe a madman. He looked at his brother questioning.

"Open it."

Bruce opened the book to the first page and read the inscription. It read, To Bats, my best enemy, Chaos loves company, Joker. Disturbing to say the least, but apparently it was some sort of attempt by his brother to reach out to him.

He turned the page. Whatever was in the album originally was long since gone. There were glue marks and stains that left faint outlines, like ghosts of the past. And someone, he assumed his brother, had drawn some violent and disturbing cartoons along with lewd commentary. He didn't even want to hazard a guess as to why Joker thought that this would make a good gift to him.

"Keep go..ing."

Bruce flipped through the pages to the middle of the book and stopped up short when he found a small faded image glued to the center of the page. His back hit the wall with a thud as he staggered back. His eyes wide, he stared at the Joker's "gift". "This can't be.."

"I rememberred when I was staying here.. you told me you only had the one. I thought you might like to have another. It's different from the one you showed me."

"Where.. where did you get this?"

The Joker stepped closer. "You want the truth?"

Bruce nodded, unsure of his voice.

"I don't know. I didn't even know I had it. It was in an old box of junk that turned up. I burned everything but this. For some reason, I thought you should have it. You seemed so attached to the other one. So I saved it for Christmas. You like?"

Bruce put his fist against his mouth and closed his eyes. When he opened them they were bright with tears. "I like it very much. Thank you."

The Joker's sly grin returned. "You are such a wuss."

Bruce chuckled along with his brother. "Only when it comes to you apparently. You know I think this is the best gift I've had in a long, long time."

"Yeah ok, now you're just embarrassing yourself. I'm leaving."

"You sure?"

The Joker looked at him oddly and shrugged, "What would you have us do? Hold hands and sing carols? Let's just call this one good shall we? No blood or death, just this once.. consider it another gift." Joker turned to go.

"Jack?" The Joker paused. "Think maybe you're mellowing in your old age?"

"Thirty? Highly unlikely," he giggled.

"Too bad. I kinda like this version of the Joker."

"I wouldn't get used to it if I were you. People have died for far less," Joker's tongue slid around his lips.

Bruce sobered quickly. "I wouldn't forget that, believe me."

"That's morre like it." Joker smiled sweetly and waved. "Merry Christmas... Bro."

Bruce watched him climb out the window. He wouldn't be chasing the Joker tonight. He looked down at the old beat-up book with the single picture in it. The picture of a young boy and his baby brother.

"Merry Christmas Joker."

END

I wanted to add more of the correct intonation to the Joker's "voice" in my stories so you will see the drawn out words and oddly stressed/accented words and tones. His manner of speech is so odd, it's difficult to properly convey but I think it's better now.

If anyone is interested in reading the Family Obligation series.. it's an endless rambling epic LOL (I have about a hundred pages on my computer) that I post in randomly at zagethe dot livejournal dot com

My mind is seldom linear...


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